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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25619329">the world is</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/storm_warning/pseuds/storm_warning'>storm_warning</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Half-Life</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>First Kiss, Fluff, Hugging, I DUNNO it seemed Vaguely Descriptive i guess, M/M, mostly. Mostly, oh yeah i guess that means, this is rated t because they . kiss. and im a coward ??, um</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:47:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,359</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25619329</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/storm_warning/pseuds/storm_warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gordon shakes his head. “No. I’m fine, it’s just--” he pauses for a moment. When he starts speaking again, he moves slowly, picks his words carefully. “It’s been a long time since I've been touched by someone who wasn’t... trying to kill me.”</p><p>He almost regrets speaking at the expression that fills Barney’s face. Gordon can only just barely hold eye contact on the best of days, and as much as he’s wanted to drink in the sight of Barney as often as he can, the sheer piercing sadness forces him to avert his eyes entirely. </p><p>“Do--” Barney swallows, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. “Do you... want to be?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Barney Calhoun &amp; Gordon Freeman, Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>353</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the world is</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is not beta'd nor did i edit it very much so apologies for any typos or other mistakes!! i am just a humble bastard</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gordon’s pretty sure it used to be a kitchen, actually-- the shadowed imprints of long-since torn out appliances poke out from under the haphazardly stacked boxes that litter the room, and besides that, the white-tiled floor makes it hard to mistake for anything else.</p><p>Now, though, the quilt-covered cot in the corner and the jumbled assortment of disassembled guns, old laundry, and newspaper clippings strewn about suggest otherwise. He doesn’t know how long Barney’s been staying here, but he’s certainly made himself at home.</p><p>It’s on the cot that they both sit now, cross-legged across from each other as Barney does his best to fill Gordon in on twenty years of missed information and Gordon nods along and tries not to feel numb. He’s not succeeding, not by a longshot, but he tries.</p><p>“-on? Hey, Gordon!”</p><p>Something warm meets Gordon’s shoulder and his heart is in his throat before the rest of him can catch up; when it does it’s with a violent jolt. The touch is gone as soon as it arrived, and he blinks his eyes to focus past the blurs of his cracked glasses. Something made up of equal parts surprise and guilt is splashed across Barney’s face, his hand still stretched out halfway between them.</p><p>His hand. Oh. Right.</p><p>“Whoa, whoa. It’s just me, doc. Didn’t mean to scare ya.”</p><p>Gordon nods, suddenly feeling dumb. “Sorry. Yeah. Sorry,”</p><p>Barney shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t blame you for bein’ jumpy.” He offers a small, lopsided smile, and something flutters in Gordon’s chest. Damn it. <em>Twenty years,</em> he reminds himself. Whatever chance he had then, it’s more than gone now.</p><p>“You sure you’re alright, though?” Barney’s voice is tinged with concern, snapping Gordon out of his thoughts. “You’re lookin’ pretty out of it. If y’need a break--”</p><p>Gordon shakes his head. “No. I’m fine, it’s just--” he pauses for a moment. When he starts speaking again, he moves slowly, picks his words carefully. “It’s been a long time since I've been touched by someone who wasn’t... trying to kill me.”</p><p>He almost regrets speaking at the expression that fills Barney’s face. Gordon can only just barely hold eye contact on the best of days, and as much as he’s wanted to <em><strike>wants to wants to wants to</strike> </em>drink in the sight of Barney as often as he can, the sheer piercing <em>sadness</em> forces him to avert his eyes entirely.</p><p>“Do--” Barney swallows, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. “Do you... want to be?”</p><p>Gordon’s chest squeezes. He can barely get out a jerky nod before Barney’s shuffling forward, hesitating a moment before bringing a hand up to Gordon’s cheek, the other coming to rest on his forearm, and--</p><p><em>Oh</em>, Gordon thinks. It’s been-- too long to remember since he’s been touched like this, so long since he’s even been out of the HEV suit, since he’s felt anything but metal pressed against his skin. It’s almost dizzying in the softness of it, calloused fingers brushing over his cheekbones, fragile trails of warmth that send shivers down his spine. His breath shudders as he squeezes his eyes shut against the sudden upwell of emotion threatening to spill out of them.</p><p>Barney’s hand trails back from Gordon’s cheek, to his jaw, to the back of his neck, pulling him closer as his other hand wraps around to become a steady weight at Gordon’s back. Gordon leans forward, almost boneless, and lets out a shaky sigh as he returns the embrace, his head tucked into the crook of Barney’s neck.</p><p>“You’re shaking, doc,” Barney mumbles into his hair.</p><p>Gordon only pulls him closer in response. A knot of emotion in his chest is slowly unraveling, settling in all the tenderest parts of him, filling in hollows he had almost forgotten were there, obscured as they were by smoke and grit and gunfire.</p><p>To have Barney <em>here</em>, in his arms, warm and whole against him-- Gordon almost doesn’t believe it, thinks it has to be some fucked-up test or trial or just a really, really bad morphine trip. It’s impossible. It’ll be ripped away, replaced with the cold metal of a gun or crowbar or steering wheel.</p><p>But it isn’t, not as Barney rubs soft circles into his back and not as he tenderly, impossibly, tilts his head to brush a kiss to Gordon’s scalp, so lightly Gordon can’t be entirely sure it even happened.</p><p>“I missed you, y’know that?” He murmurs after a moment, so quietly that Gordon almost misses it.</p><p>“I thought--” He breaks off, voice a strained, sad thing. “Thought you were a goner at first, all of us did. I still remember seeing those military bastards draggin’ you away, back in Black Mesa. Dont think i’ll ever be able to forget that.”</p><p>He takes a rattling breath in. “I wanted t’ go back in after you, y'know. I think what was left of the science team must’ve had to drag me away by the arms. Couldn’t even-- couldn’t even look at maintenance vents, for a while after I got out. Kept bringin’ back memories.” A huff. It could pass for a laugh, maybe, in another context. Any other context.</p><p>“Didn’t really get a break for a long time. Then the vorts started saying you were gonna come back-- and I thought it was bullshit, if y’believe that, used to <em>hate</em> ‘em for it. Felt like wherever I went, someone’d be there to rub it in my face that you were gone.” He swallows roughly. Gordon has to blink until his vision is clear again. “Then-- there y’ were. At that damn station, like it hadn’t been a <em>day</em>.”</p><p>Gordon reluctantly pulls himself back, letting his arms fall to his sides until cool air rushes into the new space between them, and hesitates. Barney’s eyes are watery, but he holds his gaze for a moment.</p><p>A love-- a <em>hope</em>, tempered by twenty years’ absence, through trial and storm and burning lungs, worn by time but ever the same, glows steadily within them.</p><p><br/>Gordon’s eyes flit away at the intensity of it, his cheeks warming. A tentative rush of something giddy and syrupy is building within him, heady and impulsive. He lifts his hands to speak.</p><p>“Can I kiss you?”</p><p>He starts to regret saying it before he’s even finished, but Barney doesn’t have the same reservations-- Gordon barely has time to suck in a surprised breath before he’s leaning forward, tilting Gordon’s head slightly with a warm hand on his jaw, pressing their lips together.</p><p>He kisses slow, at first, his lips chapped but still soft, testing. Gordon melts into him, stars sparking in his stomach. He tangles a hand in Barney’s hair, the other curling into the soft fabric of his collar, pulling him closer.</p><p>Barney makes a soft, fragile sound as Gordon deepens the kiss, reveling in the tender indulgence of simple touch. The hand that wasn’t at his jaw before comes up to cup the other side of his face, gently holding him in place as they work out a slow, steady rhythm of movement.</p><p>Gordon hasn’t kissed-- or, been kissed, maybe, the line is blurred-- like this in. A very long time-- he doesn’t remember how long it’s been since he woke up, or since the resonance cascade, and it must’ve been months before that besides, some night out or poorly made decision or too much time spent thinking about black vests and blue button-up shirts--</p><p>A tongue swipes over his teeth, and suddenly Gordon doesn’t feel like thinking about the past.</p><p>There is no war here, no resonance cascade to split the air with crackling electricity, no scrape of metal, no echo of fired rounds. The world is a cot in a storage room, two hope-filled, racing hearts perched atop it.</p><p>Eventually, reluctantly, they pull apart from each other, settling instead to simply lean their foreheads together, still breathless with nervous joy.<br/>Gordon is shivering again, a bit overwhelmed, maybe, but he doesn’t care. This is the most content he’s been in months.</p><p>He swallows down remnants of disbelief, and presses a soft kiss to Barney’s forehead just because he can.</p>
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